Reality Check

I have never been worried about aging. As the years pass by and as I continue to celebrate my birthdays, I never thought about wrinkles, looking old or greying hair. Well, maybe I thought about those things, but I never obsessed about them. I suppose it's really not in my nature to be overly concerned about these things. I suppose, I am more worried about how to properly homeschool my boys, how to arrange our future so that Ruther and I won't be apart, how to plan for a business later on in life, how to make life more meaningful for my family, how to keep my family happy, etc. I DO worry about the aging people I see around me. When I see my dad look exhausted after work with the tired lines on his face more prominent, I get scared and get a sharp pinch in my heart. When I see my mom (beautiful as she is) with less bounce on her heels, less energy and more ailments, I worry as much as she does. I am scared of how long my family will be with me. I am so scared of that notion that I try NOT to think about it but I know I will have to face that later on. But not now.

I live with my in-laws. Sometimes, when they go out, they tell me, "Pupunta lang kami sa patay" (we are attending a wake) or "Makikilibing lang kami" (we're going to a funeral). Sometimes, this sort of thing happens every month, which to me, is a bit disconcerting because of all the deaths happening. After seeing Mama and Papa attend so many of these dismal functions, I told myself, "If the time comes when I am attending more funerals and wakes than birthdays and celebrations, I will know that I am already old." I don't know why I despise death. Maybe it's just not my thing. Maybe I just like living.

As the years go by, I am not worried about looking old. Rather I am worried about getting sick. I would not want to die because of an illness. I would want to die through God's gracious hands and peacefully. I even do not want to have a wake or a funeral. I think that is too commercial these days. When I die, I want to be cremated, put in a very unique urn and permanently placed on a family altar. I don't want depressing music to be played. I want something that speaks of hope and joy and love and remembrance. Yes, I do not want to be mourned. I want to be remembered. I want it to be a family reunion. No crying, no wailing. I want chatting and talking and eating and reminiscing. Yes, that's how my funeral is going to be.

I am only in my 30s and yet, I am already thinking about death. I know some people might think that I am overly dramatic, but we never know when our time will be. To be honest, I cannot say I am ready to die because I still have a life to live with Ruther, I want to see my boys reach their potential and I want to see so much of the world. So yeah, if I live to be a hundred, that would be a miracle in itself.