Fat

For some weird reason in the past few days, I have been feeling FAT. I don't know if it's because Ruther's home and I am just more conscious about my looks, I don't know if it's because I haven't been exercising in weeks, I don't know if it's because my pesky Aunt said I should go on a diet, I don't know if it's because I look fat in my photos, I don't know if it's the bloaty feeling I get most of the day, I don't know if it's because I feel like I will never fit into my old clothes anymore and I don't know if it's because I feel like I am always surrounded by people thinner than me and that bugs me to no end.

I told Ruther that all my life I never felt thin. Growing up with a petite sister and a slim and sexy mother, I always felt like I was an Amazon woman. I was atheletic, chunky and tomboyish. I never detested my sister for that or the comparisons given us, but it affected my self-esteem - big time. I was always my worst critique and really, when I found a flaw, I focused on it and it just got worse and worse. After meeting Ruther, falling in love with him and then having a relationship with him, I learned to slowly accept who I was, how I was made and to let go of the things I know is beyond my control and to be happy and content. Because of this new attitude, I became less depressed, less pessimistic and more accepting of flaws. I felt that no matter what happens this is me and I am happy with who I am as long as I am a good person, as long as I am healthy and as long as I am with the ones that I love.

But a better understanding of who I am does not mean I can control my metabolism or my hormonal imbalances. And that irks me to no end. Of course, typical for women with my body type and metabolic rate, I do question my body type. I wonder about the what ifs and the perhaps. I imagine the probabilities and the possibilities. But as always, I crash back into Earth with the reality of huge arms, a jelly belly and even slower metabolism. It sucks, really. I have no idea how much more activity I should do to even make a dent in my weight-loss goals. I don't even know when my battle with losing weight began but it feels like it has been on-going forever. I know I should make it a goal because of course, I am not getting any younger and I DO have to prepare myself for the eventuality of sickness or illnesses especially those that run in the family, but there are days when I just want to get it over with. I want to be able to get into a bathing suit and not worry about eyes on me. I want to go out of the house in a sleeveless top and not worry about my huge arms. I want to wear whatever makes me confortable without making others uncomfortable. Is that so difficult to want? Or to have? Sigh.

Okay, I know I'm venting but it's just been so trying. I know when I wake up tomorrow, it'll be another fight. It'll be another day when I watch what I eat, when I take note of my physical activity, when I recall if I took my folic acid and calcium, when I eat too much sweets or pastries. I guess, in reality, I have to be thankful that until now, I haven't had any serious illness or sickness. And yes, I really AM grateful for that. But I wish that in the future, I could at least go back to my old size even if I won't be model-thin.

Be my moral support? I think I'm gonna need it.