Anticipating

As September almost comes to a close, I am getting more and more excited to see Ruther. It's still more than a month away but I am eagerly anticipating his return home. I want to see him and be with him so badly. The years of being apart never helped with the adjustment. It's not true when people say, "you get used to it after a while". I never do. I don't just cry openly anymore (or rather, I don't do that as often anymore) but inside, I still get so torn up, my dreams still show my distress and my emotions are never at ease when we are apart. I always say that when Ruther is not with me, the world is less colorful, less funny, less cheerful, less ... everything. It's just not the same. When Ruther is with me, it's like my senses are on overdrive. When he is with me, everything else pales in comparison. I just love him so much. Truly, he is the center of my universe and I am not ashamed of saying that. Scold me if you will. Tell me to hold back or save some love for myself. I do that, but I love Ruther 100%. Guaranteed. Always have and always will. I never hold back. For me, it's the only way to love. No regrets, no remorse. Of course, as intense as all the positive feelings are (love, joy, excitement, etc.) so are the negative feelings (pain, sorrow, disappointment, etc.). But I still won't change the way I am and the way I love. It's who I am. And who I am manifests in my love for my family but most especially my husband. I can turn my back on anything and everything for him. That is how much I value my husband, my marriage, my love. Scary thought, right? I know. But I always knew that love is a risk. Yes it is, but the rewards are really and truly great. So why should I hold back? I will take the pain anyday for a love this intense.

I hope our future won't be as bleak. I really and truly hope that in less than 5 years, we will finally be together and never to be parted. I want my husband with me always, just as we promised each other at the altar. I know that sacrifices are inevitable but I definitely don't want to live like this forever. God-willing, my husband and I will be together real soon. And for good.